I become very self reflective when a new year roles around. I don’t necessarily call them “resolutions” but it’s more of a time where I reflect on myself as a whole person. Not just a singular, lose weight, eat better, go to church, stop using the F word…lol. I cant find “one” thing. I’m a mom, wife, woman, friend, sister…how can I pick just one thing to work on? I wanna work on it all. What were my mistakes this year? What were some accomplishments I made? What do I want to do more of? Less of?
I can think of several. First off, I lost myself some, okay, probably A LOT this year. I grieved a lot. In July my mother died and it became easy to “let myself go”. Drink more, eat more, cry more, wallow more, self-pity, guilt, fear, anger….I’ve gone down the rabbit hole for well over 6 months. When does it stop? She’ll never come back. I’ll never get to be there for her more. I’ll never get to be a better daughter. I’ll never get to “fix” the problems we had as a mother/daughter. There are no do overs after death.
So why not just be a better Heather? And if I’m a better Heather, with a better sense of self, doesn’t that then make me a better wife, mother, friend, sister? Doesn’t it trickle to all aspects of life? Maybe some people have near perfect lives and really do just need to lose that 10lbs from holiday eating. But I’m not that person and I like to keep it real.
So I’m picking it all.
I want to put myself first at least some of the time. Pry the toddler off my leg and go to my yoga classes without guilt, so I can fit back into my jeans again without feeling angry. I haven’t dared to get on a scale but the jeans tell no lie and those seams are doing overtime!
I want to work on more projects at home, like this old steamer trunk I’m refinishing. Find more antique furniture to slather chalk paint on! Laugh more, eat less, eat better. Notice I didn’t say drink less wine?? Look, baby steps people. Lol!
I don’t allow people around me to be victims so I don’t expect myself to be one either. I’ve done the whole, it’s not fair to lose your only parent at 34 for long enough. I will never stop loving her and I will never stop missing her. But you can’t allow grief to swallow you up. I don’t think my mother would have wanted that either.
So I won’t be joining a gym on New Years or starting the master cleanse. I will be more open, like this blog post, which exposes more of me than most people know. I will go to great lengths to laugh more. Bring more joy to my life. See some great concerts because music makes me happy. I will be becoming a better Heather by listening to my needs and wants. I’ll pick up my yoga mat without guilt. I’ll stop sweating the small stuff, picking up more great books to read, spending more time enjoying life. My mother would want that. She would want me to keep living. So in her memory I’m choosing to let go of the grief and keep going forward to a better me, a better Heather, a better mom, better wife, better friend, better sister, and a happier me. Hope you all have a safe and happy New Years!!!!